"I was a little kid when I started neatly lining up my shoes. It was the finishing touch on a super-tidy room that I guess I thought would help hold everything together. Life was so much bigger and so much beyond me. I saw a loved one attempt suicide and decided to make my life super-tidy, too, because whatever had just happened would never, ever happen to me. Straight As. Exercise. Discipline. Hard work. Sometimes I wonder if I am still an 8-year-old inside with a simple, harsh, secretly terrified sense of right and wrong. Life catches up and turns you over, unbolts your promises. The doubt seeps out. But god forbid we let that show. This is me: I do nothing wrong, and I do everything wrong. In the end, those thoughts of suicide did come. Now the best I can do is talk openly and hope that somewhere, I've nudged a grain of sand."